she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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