he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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