nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
