Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
