Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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