Need sex. Gaining weight.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
