Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize