dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
