I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
