Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
