Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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