So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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