I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I can't turn off my feet"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize