so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
