I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I need a beard to bite.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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