I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
