Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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