p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize