pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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