It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
