apparently the secret to your success is patron
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize