The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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