I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
