I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
