so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The best revenge is premature balding
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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