Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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