I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
