oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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