The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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