I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
