Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
