If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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