it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
