id be glad to
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
