I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
