i came on her dog
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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