You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
only you would photoshop your dick
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
