You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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