bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
