Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
