I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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