I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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