i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
