yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
