Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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