Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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