dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Bring me that man meat
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
