woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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