Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
