those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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