everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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