It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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