I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
