He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
