Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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