I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
