margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
