Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
