Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
