I have demons in me.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize