I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
